Becoming a stranger to my purpose has been one of the hardest and scariest things of my life. It was kind of like being in a tunnel that’s completely dark. I was raised in an environment where ministry was taught in such a way that it led me to believe it was my identity. Just like some people’s identity becomes their job, friends, status, etc.
Even though losing who I thought I was supposed to be felt unbearable, it gave me the opportunity to reconnect with God.
It allowed him to reveal things to me I couldn’t see before.
These past few years have been a long journey of self-discovery, self-love, and finding my true identity in Christ. I am by no means saying I have reached my destination because I feel I never will until I make it home!
To be completely transparent, I can’t really give an exact moment when I learned what God has taught me. It’s been a bunch of small moments wrapped into one big moment.
It started with a lot of talking and praying. When I say a lot of talking, I mean A LOT of talking. Between God, family, and therapy. Talking helps me get thoughts and feelings out so I’m not always bottling everything up until I explode.
For such a long time I kept praying and asking God to hurry up this season of my life, and I didn’t understand why I was going through it. Then one day something clicked and I was reminded that my prayers needed changing!
I changed my prayer to escape into a prayer of guidance and understanding. I realized that I won’t be here forever and one day I’ll be through it all. But for now, I’m here.
Through those prayers, God revealed to me that I needed to go DEEPER with my trust. I had to let go of the pen and paintbrush so he could illustrate my life. Letting go has been a challenge for me since I am a perfectionist and like to be in charge. I have been making an intentional decision every day to allow God to take over. Although it’s not always easy, the efforts have allowed a new joy and peace to enter my mind, heart, and soul.
As those things started to take transformation I was encouraged by my family to take steps out of my comfort zone. It didn’t matter how small, as long as it was forward. Even though not every step worked out all the time on the outside, they did result in personal growth and confidence on the inside.
I couldn’t stay in my shell forever and never try again. I couldn’t allow the actions of others to dictate my joy! So even though the steps were scary, works by faith were necessary.
Like always, God met me halfway.
I joined an app called “Bumble BFF”. On there I had the ability to reach out to girls in my area to chat and meet up in public. There were several girls that I contacted. We would chat and then decide to meet.
But then NOTHING!
Why do people make commitments and then just ghost you like that?? Instinctively, I wanted to take it personally. Thankfully my mom reminded me that it wasn’t personal! They don’t know what they are missing out on and most importantly, I shouldn’t let their actions stop me from my growth.
I kept trying and trying. There were plenty of moments of discouragement and defeat. Still, I kept my chin up and my mind optimistic. I eventually did meet someone and through her, I met other girls. And it’s not like we are besties and bare our souls to each other but the thing is, I know them, they know me, and when we get together we have a fun time!
One weekend I had an opportunity to go door-knocking in Richmond with a friend. I was so nervous because I wasn’t going to know anyone else there.
I’m now glad that I went! Even though the nights were late and our feet ached, I met new people and gained experience talking to strangers. Not only did I grow closer to the friend I went with but I also made a new one!
Those opportunities, although not always easy, it allowed God to show me who I really was. That translated into grown confidence which then helped me more and more to make new connections.
I was discovering my true identity and finding my own beauty!
Because of my new confidence in myself and in God, I found true peace in not always knowing my future or having a plan. And I realized that I deserve more than what I’ve been giving myself.
Like how a puzzle has a bunch of different pieces, pieces that are shaped differently. That’s how life is, even our walk with God. Only God can see the whole picture, we only get to see the pieces, scattered. There are times when it looks chaotic and feels overwhelming. And there are times when we are able to fit the pieces together faster and other times when it feels like forever.
When those moments happen to me, I find that walking away and giving myself a moment allows me to come back with a new perspective.
Before I know it, the piece has found its place in the puzzle.
I feel like that’s how these past few years were for me. Puzzle pieces that I just couldn’t figure out. But as I took my hands off of them God slowly began to alter my perspective and reveal in me where my puzzle pieces belonged.
It’s not always about changing your perspective because you are completely in the wrong. Sometimes you just have to in order to stop surviving and thriving. Because the difficult truth is, we can’t change those around us or even our environment all the time, we can only change ourselves.
God has helped show me that ministry doesn’t have to be in a physical building. We as his people are his church. To be a light and an example doesn’t require a title.
It took a while to find what I wanted to do. I began to pray and ask God to give me guidance. The only thing I was positive about was knowing I wanted to use my gifts/talents for God.
That’s how I came to create my blog and channel. It’s not just a fun outlet for my creativity but it’s a ministry for me. A place to share my testimony, blessing, and experiences to help uplift and encourage others!
Naturally, there were doubts and concerns. I worried that because I didn’t have a title no one would listen or care about what I had to share. I worried it couldn’t be a ministry because it’s not cookie-cutter or typical. But ministry isn’t getting up in front of people preaching and teaching. Ministry is behind the scenes too. It’s the personal moments, the small conversations. Ministry is a lifestyle. And just like no one’s lifestyle is the exact same, neither is a ministry.
God kept nudging me, gently speaking to my spirit, “Just me.”
He was reminding me that, as long as my heart is aiming to please him so will my ministry. No matter who else listens, he is my main audience.
A whirled wind is the best way for me to describe life these past few years. Honestly, even now. I am still learning and growing. Despite it all, I have grown in myself and in God. I’m no longer a slave to fear and I found my true identity.
I went from being a stranger to my purpose to truly knowing who I am.
It doesn’t mean I have it all together but at least now I truly know,
I AM A CHILD OF GOD and that alone is my identity.
A Prayer:
If you feel you have put something as your identity and want to find your true identity in God then I encourage you to spend time in prayer and in his word. He will lead, guide, and walk with you.
God,
I have become so consumed in my own desires and I’ve become lost in my own plans.
I understand that you are the only one who knows what is best for me and that you want to bless my life but I have failed to give you complete control of it.
Forgive me for trying to take your place. I desire to please you and be a light. Sometimes I forget that this place is not my home.
I ask that you would help me work through my fears and pain so that I can surrender fully to you. So that I can find full peace and joy in you.
I ask that not only would you help me but that you would also prick my spirit so that I can get rid of the things that are not of you. So that more room can be made for you. I know it won’t be easy and will require a leap of faith and transparency.
But your ways are higher than my own.
Help me to find my place in your kingdom so I may do my part in glorifying your name.
I am your child and yours alone.
In Jesus Name I pray,
Amen
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